Baby Steps & Mom Guilt

Dear blog,

I am having trouble getting out of bed. Over a foot of snow outside... it’s beautiful but it just makes me feel more trapped inside my house.

And I say “my house” but really it’s just a rental half house because we can’t afford the prices of housing today! I digress...

Covid quarantine has really gotten to me as I am home with my kids all day feeling the mom guilt from failing my own expectations over and over again. A five year old, a 2.5 year old and a 2 month old. I’m so tired. I don’t even know how much sleep I get in the night- I feel like my head hits the pillow and three seconds later I am up feeding the baby until my head hits the pillow again. And I’m up!

My therapist keeps telling me to take it easy. Baby steps. She gave me three categories of care to work on each day.

Category 1: Rest, Exercise, Eat Healthy (basically take care of yourself Momma so that you can take care of the kids)

Category 2: Communication.Expression and Reception of Love. Spending quality time with the kids and husband.

Category 3: Creative/ Personal growth & Reflection.

I’ve been asked to work on choosing one thing from each category to do everyday. So three intentional actions each day that will allow me to feel that I have accomplished something. Seems easy, right?

Not today. Today I just want to lay in bed. Eating healthy turns into me trying not to eat much of anything because I want to lose my baby weight. I just want coffee. I’m up at 4:30 am feeding the Babe.

*Too early for coffee?*

Up again at 6. Finally Coffee! Then maybe a little more rest before the girls wake up. Then when I wake up again and make another cup I can pretend that THAT is my morning coffee!

I tell myself I need to exercise all day long. I consider running up and down the stairs until the fat drips off me with sweat. But I’ll do it later. Maybe after lunch. Or maybe tonight. Or tomorrow? Ugh.

For the Creative Growth Category my therapist told me I should draw everyday. I told her that I usually draw on my iPad but she insisted I draw in a sketchbook by hand each day. I’m not sure if I agree with this. I feel overwhelmed by the idea of spending my precious free time on drawing random things. I am compelled to use that time to work on my art commissions, website, or podcast. Maybe it’s not right for me to be thinking that each thing I do creatively needs to lead to something?

She told me to just do small things. Not to overwhelm myself with large projects. I didn’t tell her then that I was planning on starting a podcast. Maybe a little larger than a small project? I had a feeling she wouldn’t be pleased by that.

Staying at home with three kids is oddly lonely. I could have kids climbing on top of me while the littlest feeds from my breast but I still feel lonely for adult conversations. Bring on the mom guilt!

So instead of taking the advice of baby stepping my life to sanity... I decide that a blog and podcast will cure my loneliness! Instead of just making simple phone conversations with friends each week, I decide to record everything and to edit it all and broadcast it to the world... just in case any other Mommas out there are looking to hear some adult conversations.

Is anyone listening?

Hellooo.... Hello...o...o....echo... echo....

Am I alone out here? Where are all my Mommas at?

I may not be following the rules that were laid out in front of me. But I usually don’t. My Dad could attest to that! *He wont read this...

I want to start a podcast that connects and revitalizes women and Mothers out there in this Covid controlled world. I also want to laugh and learn with my friends and peers. I want to hear about all of their Motherly Mayhem Moments so I can feel better about my chaotic life! ha!

Mothering is the toughest job I have ever had.

*If I record it.... They will listen....*

*TBT to Field of Dreams* yeah Kevin Costner!

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